They're Weird and They're Wonderful
by the ersatz diplomat
Summary: Tonks and Remus are left in the lurch by an important person on an even more important day. Temporary madness and/or Weasley assistance ensues. Written for the MetamorFic Moon Autumn Moonlight Jumble!


**Title:** They're Weird and They're Wonderful**  
Rating & Warnings:** Rated G  
**Prompts:** Day of Superstition, Patronus Message, Park, Humour/Romance  
**Word Count:** 2,869  
**Summary:** Tonks and Remus are left in the lurch by an important person on an even more important day. Temporary madness and/or Weasley assistance ensues.  
**Author's Notes:** I don't quite know if what I've written counts as proper interpretation of my prompts. Except for maybe the "Humour" one. Written for the event of the Autumn Moonlight Jumble at MetamorFic_Moon.

***

"You can't see me right now!"

"Dora, this is highly important-"

"It's bad luck! Unless you're here to rescue me from these crazy ladies, I'm all for that."

Nymphadora Tonks had her foot against the door to her bedroom, holding it shut but for a gap in which her pale face peeked through, frowning and smiling at the same time. Her fiancé of a little more than a week was barging his way into her old bedroom at the Tonks family home, where she was currently being held captive, undergoing a conversion into "_something remotely feminine_" by a team of "_highly trained experts_".

"Dora-"

"Molly said-"

"That it's bad luck for me to see you before the wedding, I know, but this is rather important-"

_"Make it blue!"_

"Make it pink!"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "This dress business is ridiculous. I told you we should've kept it a secret."

"I know...I wish it wasn't so thrown together-"

"Remus, it's okay. I'm sorry-" She stuck a hand out the door and patted him on the cheek. "It's perfect. Don't worry, everything's going to be great-"

"Actually-" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, deciding that to tell her and get it over with would be his best move. "The fellow who is supposed to officiate just sent me a message, he's not going to make it, there's another funeral..."

He had been sitting downstairs in the kitchen when the message had arrived in the silvery form of a tufty-haired duck Patronus...regretfully informing him that he would have to find someone else to perform the wedding ceremony. Remus had then proceeded to swear loudly at the vanishing duck and splash tea all down the front of his borrowed suit.

Tonks seemed to take the news well. She neither swore nor splashed tea, only stared at him with her mouth slightly open. She closed her mouth and frowned.

"Mrrrgh."

"My thoughts exactly."

She was already on edge, having been fussed over by an Andromeda-Molly tag team all morning, intermittently assisted and/or hindered by Ginny, Hermione, and Fleur. All limitations she had set had been conveniently ignored- _Tonks_ did not wear makeup but the matriarchs had, in their excitement, deemed it necessary. _Tonks_ most certainly did not wear high heels; she planned to stealthily abandon the pink patent-leather peep-toe pumps of doom shortly before the ceremony._Tonks _would have much rather preferred to get married to her best friend like she had (quite often and with much previous ineffectiveness) imagined she would: outside, barefoot, in that darling little park down the street from her flat...

But that plan had fallen through; number one- because her boyfriend couldn't keep his damn mouth shut about their engagement and had brought in outside help, namely, her mother. And number two- it was raining. Not just raining, but pouring bucketfuls down from the sky. She wished that the fates would stop sending her trouble on her wedding day, and just send her a nice toaster instead.

"Find someone!"

"Who?"

"Anyone! I bet Arthur would do it."

"Arthur had to pick up another shift at the Ministry, he probably won't be here until later…"

"Hmm, and Bill's already playing piano...Kingsley?"

"Out of town. What about your dad?" Remus suggested, swiftly running out of options. This was not good, no, and he was sure the respective mums would interpret it as a sign of certain doom...doom as certain as any seen in Harry Potter's Divination tea leaves. Though any portent of ill-will that dared cross Auror Tonks today had another thing coming, he thought.

"Dad would probably cry." She shook her head, pink curls bouncing around her face. "Let's not put everyone through that."

"Good idea, but that doesn't leave anyone else. Unless Molly or your mother-"

"They've done _quite_ enough already today, I think." Tonks shot him a brief, panicked look. "Hey, how 'bout Mad-Eye?"

The thought of Mad-Eye officiating the ceremony was daunting, he could picture it clearly, and realized that he should intervene before their vows ended up being _"do you promise to be constantly vigilant"_, and _"until your very likely deaths do you part"_.  
"Erm, who else do we have?"

Nymphadora staired at the shaggy carpet in the hallway for a moment, thinking. This was just par for the course, to have the worst luck on the most important day...She thought she'd be used to it by now, most of her life had felt like the universe was playing an enormous prank on her...

"I've got it!" She snapped her fingers, and pulled him down to whisper in his ear.

***

"Sure, we'll do it!" The brothers Weasley said in stereo, nodding in dizzying unison. Remus blinked and took a sip of coffee. Nymphadora had suggested asking the twins, who seemed agreeable as they tried to cover up whatever kind of havoc they were wreaking in the kitchen.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be any bother-"

"It's cool, Professor, we can handle it-"

"We'll be glad to help. The non-conventional, stick-it-to-the-Ministry nature of your  
relationship appeals to our troublemaking side-"

"That, and we owe you for your previous restraint towards confiscating items vital to mischief from certain persons present-"

"Not to mention-"

"We can do this!

The Weasley twins aimed their wands at each other, and with a flourish, charmed their respective matching, garishly green dress robes into matching, violently violet velvet cassocks, complete with white, notched collars. Their ginger hair clashed fiercely with the ensemble. Remus blinked several times. The Reverends Weasley stood before him in almost-convincing (and quite blinding) duplicate Technicolor earnestness.

"Is this solemn enough?" George asked briskly, straightening his cuffs.

"We can be more solemn, if you think it's not enough-" Fred made a vain attempt to flatten his hair. "It'll be good practice for when they finally make us the patron saints of fireworks."

"That's...erm...right. You know how the ceremony goes, don't you?"

"Mostly, yes."

"I'm sure we can play it by ear."

"Right." Remus took another sip from the trembling cup of coffee he held and wondered how this was going to end...and came to the conclusion that it would most likely end in Mum Weasley being hauled off to Azkaban for a double homicide.

***

Nymphadora walked into the sunroom slowly, careful to hide her feet under her dress- she had borrowed Ginny's blue trainers and ditched the pink shoes behind an aspidistra. Only her nutty mother would think to buy her disastrously clumsy daughter four-inch heels, she thought. Though the shoes may come in handy later, when she wasn't required to safely traverse the 1970's-gold, shag-carpeted wilderness of the Tonks home.

Bill struck up an familiar, upbeat tune on the piano as she entered the room, at odds with the trickling of rain on the glass above them. Her parents, surprised though they were at her sudden decision to get married, were already sitting in on the chairs they had moved in. They were happy, as far as she could tell. Everyone looked happy, it was a relief from the somber mood that had settled over the group after the last few weeks. Everyone except for the three fellows standing at the back wall, two of whom wore identical expressions of unconvincing solemnity, and the third who grinned but looked terribly nervous, nonetheless.

Almost there, just inches away from where she was supposed to stand and she stumbled, snagging her toe on the hem of her dress. A familiar hand caught her arm, the same way it had thousands of times before.

"Nice shoes." He whispered. "Borrowed _and_ blue?"

"I'm just knocking out two superstitions with one pair of Adidas."

"That's my clever girl." He winked at her. "What's new, then?"

"The dress." She twined the fingers of her free hand through his, acting as if she didn't notice both of their hands were shaking, and hoping that no one else had noticed. "Do you like it?"

"It's terrific. You look absolutely stunning."

"Like _"Stupefy!"_ stunning, or like_"Set tazers from to stun to kill"_ stunning?"

"Both at once." He smiled at her. "You look like an angel...a deadly, stunning angel wearing someone else's sneakers."

"Good, that's the look I was going for." She grinned at him.

The eldest Weasley pounded away at the piano and both twins were trying to get his attention, but he was lost somewhere between the verse and chorus of "Bennie and the Jets". Tonks decided that this would be the last time she let Bill play "oh, whatever you feel like" at a public function.

"So, if the dress is new, what's old?"

She didn't answer, she only smiled wider. Bill banged away on the keys, playing a solo. Remus could hear a few more murmured conversations behind them, and for what was probably the first time ever, he didn't care what was being said about him.

"It's me, isn't it?"

She nodded. He stared at his own shoes and tried not to laugh.

"Are you nervous?" Tonks whispered, squeezing his hand.

"Terribly. Are you?"

"Yes. Scared to death."

There was a seemingly infinite pause, which in reality only lasted about half a second.

"May we have your attention, please!" George yelled, and Fred waved at Bill, motioning for him to stop playing in mid-boogie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the unification of these two brave souls-"

"Is unification even a word?" George interjected, frowning.

"Yes; yes it is." Fred nodded, with more solemnity than has ever graced the freckled countenance of a Weasley, spanning back generations upon generations. "As I was saying; unification, brave souls, etcetera." He cleared his throat. "About to embark on the most dangerous mission known to humanity-"

"To bravely go where no such couple has gone before-"

"One small step for wizards-"

"One giant clumsy trip down the stairs for Wizarding kind-"

"I did not." Nymphadora hissed at George, wrathfully shaking her bouquet at him, dusting the front of his violet robe with glitter.

"Not today, anyways..." Remus said, low, giving her a sidelong grin.

"Well, folks, since the little crazy-haired guy couldn't be here, His Eminence the Right Honorable Reverend George, and I, the Left Honorable Reverend Fred, will be doing this ceremony...thingy."

"So let's get on with this, these people have places to go, cake to eat-"

"You forgot _"marriages to consummate._" George nodded soberly, handing his brother a book.

"Yes, mustn't forget that."

"For legitimacy purposes."

The twins grinned.

Tonks winced.

Remus felt the heat of a thousand embarrassed suns burn on the back of his neck and wondered if it was too late to re-evaluate his fake-clergy choosing paradigm.

"Do you, Professor- I mean, Remus Lupin, take Nympha-"

A slightly disgruntled noise issued from the direction of the bride.

"Oh, get over it." Fred smirked at her and continued. "Do you, Remus, take _Nymphadora_," He accentuated every syllable, continuing over the gilded cover of Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches, from which he seemed to be reading the vows. "To be your awfully-"

"Lawfully." George elbowed his brother. "He means 'lawfully'-"

Molly Weasley coughed.

Andromeda Tonks snickered behind her hand.

Fleur Delacour thought about her own wedding and hoped that her future brothers-in-law would not be presiding.

Somewhere in a bright, sherbet-lemony flavoured corner of the afterlife, an old man with a long white beard was smiling widely; even _he_ hadn't seen this one coming.

"...Awfully wedded wife, to have and to hold-"

"In sickness and in healthy...ness-"

"For better and for so-so." Fred gestured grandly in mid-air.

"For richer and for, erm, not-as-rich-"

"From this day forward, as long as you both shall live?"

Remus took his trillionth deep, meditative breath of the day. He was at once terrified and elated, and thought that this was probably what the Buddha might have felt when he finally attained Nirvana...though _his_ enlightenment happened to take the form of a beautiful girl with funny hair that could (and would, if given the opportunity) kick his arse into next week if he got on her wrong side...Though luckily, he thought, she would love him no matter what kind of idiot he was.

He took another quick, sideways glance at the girl standing next to him, whose wide dark eyes and tentative smile reflected his own anxious jubilation.

"I do."

Rain fell in quiet applause on the glass above them.

"Cool. And you, Nymphadora? Same questions."

George nudged him with his shoulder, whispering urgently. "You have to ask her the questions, as well. For legitimacy purposes."

Both the bride and groom stifled a laugh.

"Okay, fine. Do you, Nymphadora, take Moony here-"

"To be your awfully wedded wolf-"

Hermione Granger scoffed at the blatant lack of political correctness.

Ronald Weasley scoffed, but secretly wished that he was a pretend vicar, too.

Ted Tonks smiled at the idea of multi-coloured, academically proficient grandchildren and wiped a happy tear from his eye.

Somewhere in a warm, Gryffindor-themed corner of the afterlife, one black-haired man was laughing like a maniac while another black-haired man was reluctantly handing him a large stack of money.

"To have, and to try not to injure-"

"In sickness and health-"

"For bark and for bite-"

A slightly disgruntled noise issued from the direction of the groom.

George raised an eyebrow and elbowed Fred again. "For richer and for not-as-rich..."

"From now on, ad infinitum, as long as you both shall live?"

Nymphadora closed her eyes in reflection for the trillionth time that day. This is what she wanted, what she had been working for. Fighting for, and in her soul she knew that though they hardly stood a chance, it would be worth every ounce of blood and tears she had to give. She knew it would always be a battle...And luckily, Tonks thought, she was pretty good at battles.

She took another quick, sideways glance at the man standing next to her, in his borrowed gray suit, a rare grin on his face, and she knew they were both really, truly happy for the first time in what felt like eternity...

"I do, too."

The twins smiled with as much solemnity as they could muster, both thinking back to how, some hours earlier in the afternoon, they had charmed the figures on top of the wedding cake; one to have colour-shifting hair, the other to have a furry tail that wagged. Hopefully they could get back to their flat before anyone (especially the happy couple they had just tampered-with in effigy) noticed that they were gone.

"Cool," George tugged on the collar of his robes."Oh, right! Almost forgot- do you have the rings?"

Remus fished her ring out of his pocket. She passed her bouquet of pink roses to George, who sniffed them once and then held them awkwardly, as if it were a small child, or a pipe bomb. She slid his ring off her thumb.

"Okay, these rings symbolize your eternal love for one another, because the rings are round-"

"Like circles-"

"Which are round-" Fred cast his brother a puzzled look over the well-worn cover.

"Like, uh...circles."

"Which have no beginning and no end-"

"Because they're...ah...circles-" George whispered, sniffing the roses again.

Fred clapped his book shut excitedly. "So exchange them already and let's get this show on the road-"

"Repeat after me-" George handed the bouquet to his twin. "With this ring, I thee wed-"

"With this ring, I thee-"

"Not you, Fred. Not you."

"Oh. My bad."

"You know what; let's just let _them_ switch rings, okay? I think they can handle it."

"Right. Okay, then. Get to it."

Bill struck up another song in the corner and Remus thought it would be best if they stole all of his sheet music and burned it ritualistically as a way to appease the wedding-day evil spirits.

"I wish this were real. I mean, I wish it was..." Remus whispered under the sound of the piano as he slipped the ring on her finger and kissed the back of her hand. "Legitimate."

"It's legit enough for me."

"Is it?" He asked as she took his hand and slid a ring on his finger.

"Definitely. Or it will be later, anyways."

"What do you-"

She winked at him.

"Oh..." He blushed furiously.

Fred clapped his hands together with authority. "Now if anyone feels this couple should not be united in magical matrimony...they can go f-"

"Fall off a cliff?"

"Right, so...by the power vested in us by...uh..." He frantically flipped through the pages of Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. "By...uh, _Roonil Wazlib_?"

"Sounds good to me, mate."

"Yes, by the power invested in us by the great and omniscient Roonil Wazlib, we now-"

"Pronounce you-"

"Husband and wife."

The couple grinned at each other again, this time with more excitement than anxiety.  
A chorus of sniffles, applause, and wolf-whistles filled the little glass room. Fred stared perplexedly at the flyleaf of his holy book, mouthing the words "Roonil Wazlib". George brandished the bouquet at the newlyweds a final time as he concluded the ceremony.

"You have the right to remain silent; anything you do or say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you. You may kiss the bride."

***

* * *

Review, the power of Roonil Wazlib compels you! 


End file.
